Maybe you feel down. Maybe you feel lost or stuck.
Maybe it’s the end of the year when you, like me, are reflecting on what you’ve achieved, how far you’ve come, where you’ve come short, how wrong you’ve been, how stubborn, stupid etc etc. The list can go on. Before long, you find yourself in a battle of voices.
Actually I, was in a battle of voices.
Last week on Full Moon day which followed less than a day after Winter Solstice, I was fighting some dark and downbeat voices questioning the value of what I’d accomplished in 2018. In particular, I was obsessed with One in a Billion – this social enterprise which had evolved over the span of six years from a media start-up to a non-profit educational media production company (501 c3) in 2017. Those self-doubting highly critical voices arose after a few random and casual conversations with different people at various parties, asking me in varying tone of curiosity based on their knowledge of me – “what do you do?” or “what are you doing?” or “what have you been doing?” I said I worked for two non-profit – one in education, the other in media. Once I began to enthuse about our podcast One in a Billion, they turned quiet. It was as if I was the only one fooling myself that it was a good and meaningful thing to do. Even worse, it was a conversation closer. It led nowhere. Instead of asking me more about it, they looked down, looked away or switched topic. It got worse. Days later, I kept playing back those scenes and sounds, and anticipating doom. What if our team too, would be losing interest in the New Year? What if our listeners would care less, look the other way when we relaunch Season 4 next summer? What if? What if??
On Christmas Eve before my husband and I went to the midnight service at our church in Cambridge, I found myself caving into these agitating sounds. They grew louder and noiser until I knew I needed to quiet my mind to prepare for worship. I began praying for peace. I breathed in and out as the sound of praise all around me slowly took hold of my heart. I started singing with everyone in the congregation, and listened closely to the marvelous choir’s robust rendition of Christmas carols and other hymns of celebrations. My ears soon got a healthy jolt of joyful and hopeful sound. My soul swelled a little. And my spirit soared. A sense of serenity came over me, taking me down the memory lane of positive thoughts and uplifting messages that were totally drowned out during my moment of despair.
Here’s a fact – One in a Billion has been growing steadily, even though it hasn’t gone viral. Year after year since 2012, our website has seen a double-digit increase in the number of visitors and returners. They have not reached a critical mass which could attract advertisers or sponsors. But they are our audience, our followers, our network community members and supporters who believe in the value and impact of our work. Many of them have written me long and heartfelt emails that a particular podcast episode or a specific blog has inspired or encouraged them. Some would say simply that the existence of such a storytelling platform and a global network community like ours, has made them feel less isolated and less alone, and more connected and belonged as Chinese immigrants in America.
The next morning, I stumbled on Krista Tippett’s On Being podcast interview “Composing a Life” with Mary Catherine Bateson – a writer trained as a linguist and anthropologist. Almost instantly, I felt animated by the notion that life is an art. How we approach life and react to people and circumstances can also be artful. It is an attitude that can be cultivated or acquired. As a pianist who still takes lessons and performs at a concert hall cafe, I am drawn to the idea that I have the agency to shape, craft and compose life as if it were a piece of piano music. I have the power to interpret, improvise or modulate the quality of the sounds of life – externally and internally. Obviously, as pianist, I am not the composer of the piece. But I am presenting it as a performer who has control over the volume and tonal quality of the sound. When do I dial up the big bold sound for what effect and purpose? When do I dial that down to let the soft and dark sound creep in? How do I balance the two? Can I make the balance beautiful?
That’s the trick, isn’t it? Making the balance beautiful. Beauty lies in the dynamism and the interplay between the loud and the soft, the angry and the cheerful, the bright and the doom. All these musical qualities and dimensions are much like the qualities and dimensions of life. They rise and fall. They pop and they fade. We need both ends of the spectrum in music to convey the beginning, middle and end of a drama. Or it falls flat. Likewise, we need both in life to fully live or we suffer boredom and monotony.
Composing a life – as a writer of words, a performer of drama or a person with a dream, means we are taking risks and putting ourselves out there to be seen, read, heard and yes, judged. But whether we are conscious of it or not, our lives, our voice and our choices are already being seen, read, heard and judged. We won’t and shouldn’t aim at pleasing everyone. That can’t be our goal. Instead, our goal should be a discerning quest. We keep listening for places where we can dial up and dial down the volume, add or remove color, fade in or out intensity. We tune into the essence of a conversation. We filter the noise that clouds the signal. We zero in on what we find instructive so we can fine tune our performance.
“Life has conflict, pleasure, harmony and dissonance. The same things occur in music.” What a beautiful narrative about life and music pieced together by the beloved pianist Seymour Bernstein in an Ethan Hawke documentary – “Seymour: An Introduction” .
Maybe you feel down. Maybe you feel lost or stuck.
But this is the perfect time of the year to feel low key. Welcome these sounds of cloudiness come in, say goodbye to them and let the light in for the New Year. Let’s put our lens on the spot we stand and ask ourselves – where do we stand? What do we have? What do we want to say, sing or shout to the world in 2019?
Whatever that may be, I wish you courage to tap into the talent within to compose a life of your own.