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In my last semester of college, I took a class on developmental psychology. Parenting style is a core concept that struck a chord with me. With the rise of “neets” (neither in employment nor in education or training) and the number of children who mistreat their parents in China, it’s increasingly important to reflect on how parenting style influences such developmental outcomes.
1. The Importance of Parenting
Growing up, I never failed to hear Chinese parents comparing children to each other. If a child did well in school, people would say “your daughter follows you”, implying that the parent’s good genes did the work. They would complement the child for being genetically smart, especially to the boys. I have also frequently seen parents reprimanding their children for “not bringing honor to the family”, implying that the child is not meeting expectations and the fault is on the child.
We tend to over-emphasize the role of the gene and the child’s effort and downplay the role of parent-child relationships and parenting style. Yes, children are born with different genetic dispositions, but the individual variation is so low that it alone cannot account for the development outcomes. Most of us are born with average intelligence. The differences in developmental outcomes come from what we do with our intelligence.
Environment plays a large role in a child’s future: family education, school education, and social environment. As they spend a lot of time at home, children gain a critical part of their education through parenting.
2. Four Parenting Styles
After recognizing that parenting is important, we have to recognize the enormous impact parenting style has on children’s development. A developmental psychologist, Baumrind, categorized parenting style into four types based on the amount of support and demandingness. I find the framework helpful in conceptualizing some of the parenting styles I have seen and understanding their problems.
To define the framework, “supportive” means parents provide emotional availability and resources in their power to the child, while “unsupportive” means parents reject the child and do not attempt to provide resources. “Demanding” means parents set a high bar for the child and wants the child to reach their full potential, while “undemanding” means parents do not help the child set goals for themselves.
The framework produces interesting results. The parenting style that leads to the best outcome is “authoritative” where the parents are demanding and supportive at the same time. These parents set a high standard for their children but also provide the help needed for the children to reach it. Their relationship is centered around the child and is reciprocal. The communication is bilateral instead of unilateral: instead of telling the children what to do, the parents communicate with their children to determine what’s reasonable.
The other three styles have their own problems. The most common mistakes I see Chinese parents making is being “authoritarian”. Establishing respect and trust with children is important, but it does not mean the parents have to act as “dictators”. Authoritarian parents try to control the child. The communication is unilateral. They command the child and expect obedience. If the child doesn’t obey, they tend to threat, punish or guilt trip until the child does. This type of relationship is centered around the parents and the developmental outcome is generally negative. The child is more likely to be unhappy, be unfriendly, and have low self-esteem and. This can lead to low social and academic performance. The children can also lack the ability to think independently which leads to poor work performance. This can also weaken their attachment to their parents and leading them to provide less emotional care to their parents. These outcomes are not destined to happen, but their likelihood of occurrence increases with an “authoritarian” parenting style.
I see authoritarian parents most often in China. In fact, obedience and authority are values ingrained into Chinese culture. As a result, lots of parents perceive their children as their property or an extension of themselves. They love their children and want to advise them so that they don’t repeat the same mistakes they did. However, when poorly communicated, “advice” can become commands. As a result, children may feel forced to comply just to please their parents and often end up rebelling. Common saying includes, “Ignore your elders at your peril”, “It’s all for your own good”, and “Just listen”.
Another type of parenting that’s also common in China is “permissive” parenting. With the one-child policy, parents tend to spoil their children. Children in China also spend a lot of time with grandparents, who often indulge their grandchildren. Grandparents chase after grandchildren to feed them food, hand out generous pocket money, and do not interfere when children play video games all day. The risk is that they aren’t setting the correct rules and boundaries for the children to follow. For example, eating fried chicken once a week is fine, while allowing them to eat every day would lead to obesity and self-control problems. If the child is disrespectful towards teachers, parents finding excuses for the child will lead to the child being disrespectful to everyone. In some situations, a lack of demandingness may result in poor performance and even behavior issues such as alcoholism and drug use.
Lastly, “disengaged” parents are rarer but are frequently characteristic of super busy parents and parents migrating from villages to big cities for work. Parents who have alcohol or gambling addictions are also likely to be disengaged. These children (especially orphans) who are neglected are the most unfortunate. They are unable to build a relationship with their parents and are likely to have issues forming intimate relationships in the future. They are also likely to develop behavior issues.
3. The Keys to a Good Parenting
Be Healthily Demanding
1. Set high bars
Help children realize their full potential. However, the bars should not be unobtainable. It should be reasonably high that the child can reach through hard work.
2. Attend to the child’s needs
Chinese parents often like to imitate each other. For example, they would send their children to play the violin if their colleague’s children play the violin. The problem with imitation is that we ignore the child’s interests. Maybe they don’t care for the violin, but instead, like to play chess. One mode does not fit all. A good education is to bring the best out of each child. We don’t want to “mode” our children to be someone else that they are not and do not aspire to be.
3. Set the right goals
The ultimate goal should be the child’s growth and not arbitrary, misguided achievement. An indicative example is piano. I see too many Chinese parents forcing their child to learn piano and “to reach level 10 in two years”. That is exactly the wrong goal. Isn’t the purpose of playing the piano to cultivate an appreciation for music? Practicing the piano in order to reach level 10 results in the children losing interest in the activity and only doing so to please their parents. They almost always stop playing as soon as the parents stop demanding.
Be Supportive
1. Advise not command:
Treat the child as an individual with their own motivations. When we communicate an idea with colleagues, we have to explain why it’s a good idea. The same applies to communications with children. For example, if a parent is concerned with their child staying out late, instead of not letting them go out at all, let them propose a reasonable time to come back and hold them responsible for it. Doing things this way helps the children realize that they are responsible for their own actions. Parents should also communicate their concern to their children and teach them how to think from the parents’ point of view. Granted, it’s easier said than done. Some children can be difficult to deal with. However, we train “reason” into our children. Habit building is a long process and the best way to help them build these habits is to openly communicate with them now.
2. Be a Role Model
Children are imitators. The saying “like father, like son” refers to how parents influence their children through day-to-day activities. If we want our children to develop the habit of reading, we have to set the example of reading whenever possible. If we want our children to be hard-workers, we have to foster the sense of achievement and rewards that hard work brings. This subconsciously communicates important values to the children.
3. Provide Ideas & Resources for Development
The best thing parents can do is provide what the children need to thrive. When the children are younger, they do not know what’s good for them. The responsibility of educating them falls on the parents. When an idea is proposed by the child that’s reasonable, no matter how silly, parents should provide resources and encourage the child to try things out. For example, when the child wants to learn how to play tennis, the parents should try taking them to a class or letting them join the school team instead of shutting down the idea because it’s “infeasible” or “inconvenient”. If the child senses that what she wants doesn’t matter, she will gradually stop proposing.
4. Compliment, not Punishment (and compliment on the right thing)
Everyone thrives on positive reinforcement. Punishment, especially physical punishment, only damages the attachment between parents and the child. When the child makes mistakes, it’s important to help them realize why they are wrong and offer them constructive feedback on how to move forward. Emotional (e.g. passive aggressiveness) or physical punishment from the parents could lead to self-punishment in the future, resulting in self-love issues long term. Another HUGE issue with physically beating children is that they will grow up thinking physical punishment is okay and consequently do it to their spouses and children.
One caveat to complimenting the child is that we have to compliment them on the right things. We should compliment on things that are within their power. For example, we should always compliment them on their hard work, not on their “smartness” because that’s not actionable. Doing so puts them in the driver’s seat and incentivize them to work towards improvement.
To sum up, I suggest in this essay that parenting plays a tremendous role in a child’s development. This calls us to promote the authoritative parenting style and avoid authoritarian, permissive and disengaged styles. To help children realize their full potential, our parents should be both healthily demanding and supportive.
Please share the essay if you find it valuable!
This blog is published with permission from Mojia Shen