Two weeks ago at our “Game Changer Speakers Series: Turning Point: How Do You Bounce Back?” Dr. Ed. Wang, a global psychologist for children, educators and healthcare professionals, led our workshop with a poignant question.
“Do you have a story you can share about an experience that set you back, throws you off, yet you’ve bounced back? “
Dr. Wang prodded us to think broadly about our relationships, our workplace, or a simple encounter with strangers. I began searching my mind, thinking to myself – “I don’t have a story. I have hundreds! Where do I begin?” As I listened to his definition of “resilience” in the field of positive psychology, he emphasized the following –
Resilience is not a personality trait that you have or don’t have. Rather,
Resilience is our human abilities to bounce back from challenging conditions and to mobilize our strengths to adapt and grow.
Our group – mostly 20 and 30 something sat and reflected. Several acknowledged that their lives so far have been generally positive with little hardship or adversities. One woman described the puzzling frustration of being disliked, even mistreated by another woman colleague, who went out of her way to be mean and difficult to her. No matter how hard she tried to appease this nasty colleague, including baking cupcakes and bringing them to her, it only backfired. Can you imagine hearing this, “Well… I don’t eat cupcakes, why are you bringing them to me?!?!” Obviously, that kind of mean girl behavior is tough to swallow for anyone at any time, especially when you are 20 something, just starting on your first job during the first couple of years, you want to be liked and welcome. And if the opposite is true, you want to find reasons to improve. In this case, there are no obvious reasons. She told us that story to say how hard she tried to recover from this hostile work environment created by this one bad apple, she looked inside asking “What’s wrong with me?” That question led nowhere. Over time, she’s accepted that she can’t please everyone, and this is not about her. It’s about the person harboring hatred.
Then, another woman described the story of her immigrant parents who grew up poor in Hong Kong. They had built their savings from scratch and sacrificed enormously to provide for her and her siblings. They now enjoy a stable life and she feels she has no right to complain about anything when she thinks about how much her parents’ generation had suffered. She grew up in America, she said she had it easy.
As I sat and listened, I thought back to my 20 something self, and even further back. I shared my story of a broken dream at age 16 when I first came to America with my older brother David. We were to attend high school as a senior, graduate and go on to college in this country. Yet, little did we know, midway through the school year, our mother suffered a nervous breakdown. She cried every day because she was missing my brother and me. Empty nest syndrome hit her hard. Our father summoned us back to Hong Kong abruptly. Not only was my school term interrupted, my American dream was shattered. I was angry with my mother. I was angry with the world.
Dr. Wang then asked me, “So Mable, tell us, how did you bounce back?”
“I listened to my body. “ I said. I explained that I felt sick in my body because of anger. I cried. I cried a lot. I let my tears come out. I let my frustration come out of my body. For weeks – day and night. In my room, by myself. Until I was completely exhausted. No more tears. Literally. Then, I said to myself, “That’s enough. Mable. I’d cried all my tears. Time to go on.”
When I mulled over Dr. Wang’s definition of “Resilience” –
Resilience is our human abilities to bounce back from challenging conditions and to mobilize our strengths to adapt and grow.
I realized what I had instinctively done to rebound. I first let my body tell me what to do.
My body was filled with so much toxic emotions that they needed to come out. I let it out. I took my time. Time heals. Once my body felt emptied of negative feelings, my mind was also purged of negative thoughts. The two were tied! I prayed for strength. I realized the only way to go on was to open up. To talk. To reconnect with my mother. I did so through conversations. Long hard conversations. Over time, I understood her better. Although she wanted a different future for me, she eventually let me choose how to live my life.
However disastrous that incident seemed at the time, it was short-lived. I was young – almost seventeen when I sprung into action. I looked at what educational options were available to me in Hong Kong, no matter how less than ideal they were to me. I began doing research, preparing myself for admission tests, plowing all my energies into what I could do. Once I was immersed in driving results in the positive forward momentum, I forgot the pain. I forgave my mother. The past had no power over me.
I think that’s how resilience works. We break down and we bounce back because we have the abilities to seek light and look up when we’re down in the dark. I think about the comments from a few others in our group who feel they have no right to complain because their parent’s generation had suffered and lived through a lot worse. That may be true. That may be our correct conclusion. But very few of us could simply will ourselves to that conclusion with our mind in one leap. Often, we have to go through a process of purging negative emotions inside our bodies.
We are human being with emotions that cloud our thoughts. Bouncing Back often involves breaking down first – literally, on our knees, before we can rise again to our feet.