I really like the quote “Don’t give ‘do what you want’ advice to ‘do what you need’ people.” It keeps my privileges and my disadvantages in perspective. So while last year was a lot about doing what I want, this year it’s about doing what I need.
I first came to the United States in 2012 for my undergraduate studies, specifically, a Bachelor in Fine Art. I graduated in 2016 and spent the past year looking for a way to stay in this country. Optional Practical Training led to nowhere; I couldn’t get a work visa because of timing; and I’m definitely not considering marrying someone for permanent residency, despite kind and somewhat-serious offers from close friends.
Time was running out and two months before my Optional Practical Training ended, I applied for graduate school.
I’d always intended to go to graduate school, mostly because my mother instilled the importance of education to me at a young age. She had wanted me to go straight for my masters upon graduation, but I hesitated. I didn’t think it would be beneficial for me to do so; I wanted to get a few years’ worth of work experience and then decide what I should pursue my masters in. I’d considered transitioning into a different field, like business administration (most working artists are synonymous to creative entrepreneurs), or computer science because I majored in New Media and enjoy working with emerging technology. An MFA was kind of out of the question for me, because it didn’t seem like I was getting much mileage in an increasingly freelance-based field.
All that said, as of writing I am currently an MFA candidate at an art school in Maine, while simultaneously pursuing a graduate certificate program in documentary studies. It was the fastest way I could guarantee being admitted into a graduate program.
My first semester of art school, season 2 was familiar and foreign at the same time. I fit comfortably in the studio environment and participated actively in lectures. During orientation, when it was my turn to introduce myself (“Tell us your name, where you’re from and why you’re here!”), I had no problem saying, “my name is Joel, I’m from Hong Kong, and I’m here to continue exploring my undergraduate thesis and turning it into a two-year project.”
I made projects that I was proud of and had all the confidence to present them with passion. The work was well-received and my peers enjoyed my presence. Yet something was off and I couldn’t figure out what it was. It could’ve been the fact that my aunt was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, 7000 miles away from me with only a few months left to live; or it could’ve been that my ex, who was studying in Florida chose to break up with me over the phone the night before Hurricane Irma ravaged her college campus. I don’t know.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized, while all of the above were contributing factors of my uncertainty, I was simply in denial. I didn’t want my underlying motives to give an impression that I didn’t care about my education, so I presented myself as “like everybody else:” a grad student looking to teach at college level with my anticipated terminal degree, because that’s what everyone does with their education, right? If I were to be completely honest with myself and others around me, I would have said, “my name is Joel, I’m from Hong Kong, and I’ve exhausted all options to stay in this country and build a career that I’ve longed for, therefore I’m here to give myself a bit more time.”
The truth had set me free from my doubts, and one of the most important lessons I’ve learned this year is, to be honest with myself. Everyone’s life is different and if the road leads to Rome, no matter how meandering it seems, it’s still a path.