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How I Find and Lose Myself Through Art

 

If you read my previous blog on art, you would know how it has become a universal language for me. When I first moved to the US with a crude understanding of English, art was a way for me to express myself while adjusting to the new environment. Gradually I’ve realized that when I find it hard to communicate in Chinese, English, or just words, I go to my paintbrush, charcoals, and pencils and find an answer.

 

During the earlier years of my art journey, I re-discovered myself. When I have a piece of paper in front of me, give me a pencil and I will draw out what is in my head. I always knew what I wanted to say before I mark that first stroke. Though I never knew what the final piece will turn out going into it, the main purpose behind the art has always been clear from the beginning. Most of my art during this stage revolves around my commentary on identity.

 

This is a drawing I completed when I was in high school.

 

As I  see the distance between me and my childhood friends in China grow wider, I still feel left out of the conversation when I am with my American friends. And I know that there is a piece of me missing in this new land that I now call home. While I love creating art, challenging established rules and being unpredictable, I also enjoy following a standard routine, following traditional values and having everything under control. I felt that I was a combination of contradicting ideas and divergent forces and that I could never completely be just ‘one’ identity, or “one” style or “one” way. Just like the merman embryo here, maybe I was born this way.

 

From first struggling to fit in a social circle or culture, to later embracing the diversity within me, my experience of adjusting into new environments taught me that true belonging is not letting the environment change me so I could ‘fit-in.’ It is about finding myself so I could be comfortable in my skin and ‘belong’ to wherever I go. Then I was inspired to create the following piece: what describes you? I used adjectives to ‘draw’ out a portrait and tried to make the point that we can never be described by one word. What defines us is the infinity of words that we could use, and don’t ever let one word sums up all your assets.

 

However, as I go deeper down this journey with art, I lost myself. I could no longer figure out, if art is helping me to find myself, or question myself. In the past, it has been a healing power for me: the thought of having a pencil or paint brush in my hand calms me because I know it will communicate for me. Now, it is more like a monster that has grown in me, it challenges me, questions me, and I can no longer communicate clearly through it. It’s as if I can’t quite dance with art? Perhaps it’s maturing now and questioning my control? Perhaps It’s asking me to engage in an equal relationship, a dialogue with it? I’m not my art’s master, and my art is not my slave?

 

Having a challenging force is not necessarily a bad thing. There is a saying: no pain, no gain. If my art was like a universal language for me in the past, it is now a path I stepped on for self-discovery. It makes me confront my fears, my flaws, and as a result, expands my portfolio. The following paintings are from my most recent works, and I am surprised at how far I have come along when comparing them to previous artworks.

 

This one is my favorite.

 

It was inspired from challenging myself, questioning on things I have always believed before, and in this case, is Medusa truly evil and deadly? And here goes a quote by Helene Cixous, a French feminist writer:

“You only have to look at the Medusa straight on to see her. And she’s not deadly. She’s beautiful and she’s laughing.”  

 

When I was little I thought there is only black and white, but as I grow older I’ve learned that there are as many shades of grey in between the black and white as one can imagine. I always wanted to make sure that I was doing the “right” thing. But in the “right” answer is not always obvious. Reflecting back on this self-portrait below, I realized that the confusion I thought was always a fight between my logic and my feelings.4

From losing and finding myself through art, I learn and grow as a person. As I keep drawing and painting, I hope to learn more about how I see myself and how the world sees me.

 

You may also find more updates of my art on yvetteyu.com.